


Jesus is hella gay boi

by Ferretlord48



Category: Christian Bible, Shrek (Movies)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Butt Slapping, Logan Paul - Freeform, M/M, accurate bible tellings, amazing bulk, big dick energy, dead logan paul, first fic i've ever written, horny jesus, horny shrek, is this blasphemy?, swamps, thicc boi, why are there no shrekxjesus fics, your welcome
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2020-10-05 17:00:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20492189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ferretlord48/pseuds/Ferretlord48
Summary: I'm bad at descriptions so here's the a bit from the plot of The Amazing Bulk. Later that night, while witnessing the same mugger assault and murder a young woman, Howard transforms into the Bulk and kills the man; he runs off as police arrive to the scene, and they notice purple blood on the ground. Detectives Ray Garton (Jed Rowen) and Lisa Tuttle (Deirdre V. Lyons) find Howard's wallet and return it to him the next day. When Garton finds a purple stain on his hand, he becomes convinced that Howard is responsible for the mugger's death. They watch as Howard returns to the scene of the crime, and when they confront him, he transforms into the Bulk.The Bulk goes on a rampage throughout the city as the detectives pursue him. The Bulk sends cars flying through the air, one of which lands on Tuttle, crushing her. Garton, enraged by his partner's death, shoots at the Bulk, who grabs and destroys a news helicopter.





	1. Lonely Gay Boi

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic, written for my friend Chris. Thanks Chris, my son, for giving me inspiration. This might count as blasphemy, but I don't know or care so enjoy.

Jesus wasn't broken, he was just bent, slowly cracking. Withering to only a fraction of what he was once, pain and despair taking full control of his life. Jesus the son of God, the big G, had been around for longer than he could remember. For many years he was content, until he met Jake and Logan Paul. He was completely taken falling right in love, this was the beginning of his approaching sorrow. 

For awhile all was well, happy, blissful, better than Jesus ever thought life could be. He never expected the immense pain that was soon to hit him like the strike of a whip upon a poor boy's back. It happened at the Area 51 raid, Jake and Logan went despite Jesus' heavy protestations. The brothers were murdered before the raid as no one wanted their help. This sent Jesus into a spiral of coke, copious amounts of alcohol, and loneliness. Everything seemed grim and dark, until he met a beautiful man who turned his life around. 

Shrek


	2. The Gay Bois Meet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jesus runs into a beautiful man. No smut yet, sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Chris, hope you've read this far.

It was a sad night when soulmates met. A night that could only be described as shades of grey. Clouds loomed in Jesus' heart, little did he know those clouds were soon to part and give way to the first ray of sunshine since the Paul brothers deaths. Jesus walked into a small bar. Most would call it dingy, but at the moment this was were Jesus called home. He sat down on a wobbly red bar and ordered the strongest drink he possibly could. He didn't care how it tasted, his only concern was temporary relief from the thunderstorm in his heart.

He was downing his third drink when a man sat down next to him, Jesus didn't notice until he spoke. "Rough night?" the stranger asked. When Jesus looked up he was astounded at the man in front of him, human perfection. The mans beautiful green skin glowed under the poor lighting in the bar, his full lips quirked in a questioning smile. Jesus blushed, unable to control the red taking over his pale face. " The same as every night" Jesus said immediately regretting it. He didn't need to get this beautiful stranger caught up in his mess of an existence, it was hard to call it a life anymore. But the angelic creation wasn't bothered, he looked at Jesus with kind eyes that said "I understand." 

The two were silent, simply gazing into one another's eyes. " Your beautiful" blurted Jesus, turning the deepest red imaginable. The green man laughed, filling Jesus' stomach with butterflies, a small embarrassed grin spreading across his usually sorrowful, but beautiful features. "Name's Shrek" said the beautiful man, Jesus knew then he was in love.


	3. The Gay Bois Get Closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jesus gets to know Shrek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chris, if you're still reading, wow I'm impressed. To anyone who's still reading thanks, I'm a mess.

"My n-name is J-Jesus" Jesus stumbled on his words as he spoke clearly taken aback by Shrek's charm and grace. 

"Good to meet ya, I would ask to buy ye a drink, but you've seemed to have had enough." Shrek's comment wasn't meant to be mean or harmful, but for the first time in Jesus' long life he was truly ashamed at himself and what he was currently standing for. He saw no pity or disappointment in Shrek's eyes, just comfort and love. He felt safe in the presence of this stunning man. Jesus then noticed the amount of empty seats in the bar, Shrek hadn't needed to sit next to him, so maybe Shrek was attracted to him as well. " I guess I have had a few to many" Jesus said his voice breaking, Shrek could tell he was hurting. 

" We all have our lows, but we have our highs too" said Shrek wisely. If Jesus hadn't been in love before he was now. Jesus wanted to take the large man here and now, but would that take from the Pauls' memory? He hadn't felt this way since Jake and Logan, he hadn't ever expected to again in the first place. He wanted nothing more than to be inside of Shrek feeling his tight warmth around his large member. Those thoughts were wrong, but Jesus still felt his pants grow tight at the thought of Shrek naked, ready for him. Little did Jesus know, Shrek felt the same lust.


	4. Gay Boi Romance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Help me please, this chapter is dedicated to Connor, as he himself is a swamp being, sorry not sorry Connor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I have already said, this chapter is for Connor also known as, squiggly penis, trashcan or trashboi, and his personal favorite Carrot Top Mcsmuggin. And guess what Bennet, maybe this chapter would be dedicated to you if you had given me that Shrek pencil, sucks to be you.

"What do ye say we meet back up when your sober" Shrek asked lust, but care shining in his eyes. Just then Jesus realized how beautiful Shrek's eyes truly were, beautiful shades of green and brown. In each eye he saw a shimmering swamp mixed into the other colors in Shrek's eyes. Jesus decided that was his favorite part about Shrek, he also realized how well he could read Shrek by looking at his eyes. Sure everything about Shrek was beautiful, but his clear compassion and care couldn't be rivaled. Shrek and Jesus blushed as they switched numbers fully intending to meet back up down the road. Jesus noticed Shrek's blush was a purply red, that Jesus couldn't help but find adorable. Jesus felt a tinge of happiness, smiling to himself in relief. How long had it been since he smiled?

It was three days later that Jesus finally got a text from Shrek, he wasn't counting or anything. The text was an invite to Shrek's home, Shrek hoped the invite wasn't to abrupt or strange. Shrek wasn't exactly sure what he wanted in this relationship anyways, as he was still torn up about a loved one he had also lost. That was why he approached Jesus in the first place, he had the look of someone who had experienced great loss, just like himself. Shrek had coped with his loss differently than Jesus, not with drink or drugs, but with sex. Somehow he felt differently about Jesus, which truthfully scared him. One part of him wanted Jesus to be a one night stand the other wanted love and comfort.

When Jesus arrived he was instantly confused. Why would a literal being from Heaven live here? It was secluded, small, and frankly looked a little lonely. Right after such thoughts crept into Jesus' mind he felt a shock of guilt. It was Shrek's choice to live here and he had no right to judge, even if his house was on a literal swamp. After all despite being a swamp, to put it nicely, the house wasn't falling apart and seemed nice. Nice for as was already said was a swamp. On the other end Shrek felt an intense worry that Jesus would be unaccepting of his house and wouldn't want to stay. He was only partly right, nothing would deter Jesus from seeing Shrek again and he by no means planned on leaving.

Shrek greeted Jesus at the door, wow, Jesus had almost forgotten how beautiful he was. Jesus blushed, god why was he doing that so often now. " Hey Shrek, it's pretty good to see you again, I was actually quite excited when you texted me. I mean I wasn't waiting to hear from you or anything..." Oh god was he rambling? Shrek smiled, a smile that made the tension ooze away, putting Jesus at a calm ease. 

"Come on in, welcome to my swamp." Shrek gleamed, clearly proud of his simple home. Jesus entered and found Shrek's swamp to look much more comforting on the inside. Jesus took in the simple, but chic surroundings and smiled. " Your swamp is lovely, I like it's elegance." Jesus said with honesty and kindness. Jesus found himself wondering what Shrek's bedroom might look like, before dismissing the thought, he wasn't completely sure if he was here for sex or a date after all. Maybe it could be both? He was still so confused on what he actually wanted. Dad help him.


	5. Gay boi dating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shrek and Jesus have a romantic candlelight dinner. This is a more serious chapter, so there's that I guess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to Aiden M. I promise I will get around to writing you and the other Aidan a fanfic I'm just busy. This chapter is dedicated to you, as you let me go on about the weirdest shit in History. I hope things go well with *ARM FLAPS FURIOUSLY*. This chapter is also dedicated to Bennet, who I have since forgiven for the Shrek pencil. Bennet keep being a weeb.

Jesus' eyes scanned the room, noticing that Shrek's table was set, and his stove was on. The kitchen had a savory aroma, Shrek was cooking something. Dinner? This must be a date! Jesus was so happy, but should he be? Didn't he want just a fling? Everyday he got more confused over his love brewing for his new found obsession. " I figured we could make this a little fancy, if you don't mind." Shrek motioned to the table set with daisies and a leather skin tablecloth. Jesus couldn't believe Shrek would go through the trouble to make Jesus feel special, he hadn't felt special in so long. 

Shrek motioned for Jesus to sit down, "Food should be ready soon, I made you my specialty." Shrek smiled bashfully, "I'm not the best cook, but I hope it's to ye's taste." Shrek could put mud on a plate and Jesus would still eat it gratefully. Of course Jesus didn't say that, "It smells wonderful, I'm quite happy you've done this for me." Jesus said picking at his nails and looking down, Shrek could tell Jesus was not used to people being kind to him. "You didn't have to do this for me, I don't really deserve such treatment." Jesus' confidence was so low, it was possible even Shrek's compassion could do nothing for him. 

Jesus looked back up at his green angel, who looked at him empathetically. He too, often felt a deep sinking sadness, maybe they could help each other together. " Really? I thought this was way to simple for someone as great as you." Shrek laughed kindly, Jesus blushed as Shrek's beautiful accent came through his laughter. " You shouldn't sell yourself short, after all, I don't let just anyone into my swamp." Shrek smirked and winked before walking over to the stove to check on the meal. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Soon the food was done and served. Jesus was shocked, it smelled delicious, but that's not why he was surprised. Shrek had served him roasted rats, Jesus stared at his plate in shock, did Shrek eat like this often. Jesus glanced at Shrek sitting across from him, he looked worried and possibly hurt. " Dammit, I'm so stupid, why would you want to eat this?" Shrek was distraught he got up and reached for his date's plate. "No! I mean no, it looks delicious, I was just surprised." Jesus cut into his unusual meal and brought his fork to his mouth. He was astounded, his meal was amazing, he beamed "This is great!" he exclaimed. Shrek beamed, the same purply blush covering his cheeks. "Really? Good, ye had me worried for a moment." The men smiled at each other, while they ate and chatted, Jesus felt truly, undoubtedly happy. 

Dinner went off with out a hitch, both men smiling and chatting, happy to be in each other's warm presence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This turned out much more serious than originally planned, but don't worry fun will be coming soon.


	6. The Gay Bois Get It On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SMUT WARNING! I know it took me so long, but now I'm focused, and finally there will be smut. May the smut rain from the heavens and bless those who believe, Matthew 5:18 or something like that. I've read the bible I promise. But yeah, sex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is for my sister Livie, luv ya girl. Your the best sister ever, even if you did hit me with a hammer that one time. Oh, and the time you told me babies in orphanages have their penises cut off, that didn't scar me at all. Or the time you told me what sex was when I was like five years old, or... You know what I'm off topic, I love you, please enjoy.

Dinner felt short that night, as the lovers from two entirely different dimensions fell deeper in love. Both loosing track of time, eating slowly to avoid leaving each other's company. Jesus began to feel at home in Shrek's glorious swamp, smiling, laughing, joking, all things Jesus had long since forgotten were done that night. Jesus didn't feel numb like how he did after drinking, he felt light, as if he might float away if Shrek complimented him one more time. With every word to Shrek, Jesus felt new sensations, new wants and needs, new aspirations, and hopes. He felt like a child blowing on a dandelion, praying his wish for Shrek would come true. Shrek was a warm shelter on a cold winter night, and Jesus was a freezing traveler, in desperate need of structure and support. Jesus would eventually come to realize his shelter's framework wasn't as strong as it appeared on the outside.

~~~~~~

Unfortunately, the opposite lovers couldn't prolong the inevitable and Jesus became aware of the time. He realized he should leave,for he feared he had already overstayed his welcome. It was late, just a sliver of the crimson sun peaked through the edge of the foliage that surrounded Shrek's home, the majority of the sky a winding array of dark violets and indigos. Oh, how Jesus would love to stay with Shrek as the sun set, gazing as the sky became an array of dotted wishes, shining past a dark, hopeful sky. His heart smiled at that thought, in the end though, Shrek probably wanted the night to himself to relax after their night filled with laughter and joy. " I should go, thank you Shrek, it was lovely spending time with you and I would love to meet up again." Jesus smiled, wanting to soak in Shrek's presence for even a few seconds longer. However, when Jesus looked at Shrek the green godly man didn't have his usual playfulness, he looked concerned, worry spreading across his normally beautiful face. Shrek opened his mouth as if to speak, stuttering nothing came out. Jesus' heart dropped to the hard, cold ground. Just get it out he thought, we both know you don't want to see me again thought the sinking man. Jesus felt true and utter defeat, why had he gotten his hopes up? He should've known this would happen, there were no other options, he would never find love again. As Jesus sunk into rambling in his own head Shrek gained the courage to speak.

" Ye know it's so strange, I thought this would be easy" mused Shrek. "But, wow, you're so different than anyone one I've ever met." Jesus looked at his date with confusion. " Normally I can say how I feel, tell em exactly what I'm looking for. But ye, ye make me crazy." Shrek laughed at his own lack of awareness. "I mean how am I supposed to tell the most gorgeous man I've ever met, that I want him to stay the night."

Jesus was stunned. He didn't want him to leave? This was a true miracle if Jesus had ever seen one, and he had seen a fair share. Shrek began again "Normally I'd just wink throw out a few one liners, but ye Jesus, ye make me lose all my vocabulary." Shrek said laughing to himself. " I want ye Jesus, in so many ways." Jesus wasn't sure when he had stood up, and walked towards Shrek, it all happened in slow motion, but before he knew it they had taken advantage of the space, colliding together in passion. Shrek's full lips were soon entwined with the other man's. Teeth touching roughly, as both men attempted to show their passion. Slowly the kisses became less messy and more controlled. Jesus leaned deeper into Shrek, pressing his tongue deep into Shrek's inviting mouth, small moans escaping both men. They fumbled to Shrek's bedroom falling into the bed. Jesus' hands were all over Shrek, begging to feel every inch of his large, beautiful body. Shrek's clothes were an inhibitor, Jesus began to practically tear his clothing off, pure desire seeping through every inch of his small frame. Shrek writhed under him as he touched his now naked body. " You're so beautiful" Jesus couldn't help but say. With that Shrek began to pull at Jesus' clothes, seeking the small man's smooth skin. Soon they were undressed, their whole bodies rubbing and touching. Jesus grasped at Shrek's soft ass eliciting a deep moan from Shrek. With that Jesus turned Shrek over and brought his palm down over Shrek's perfect asset. Shrek yelped, clearly not expecting anything rough from the seemingly timid son of a God, but hey he wasn't complaining. Jesus brought a few more strikes down upon the other man, leaving a red tint to the other man's figure. Jesus' member began to throb at the sight of Shrek, his ass marked by Jesus' own palm. Quickly after, Jesus began to probe Shrek's tight hole with his long finger. Pushing the digit in as Shrek groaned around his finger. Jesus then added another pushing in and out, loving Shrek's beautiful noises, slowly adding more fingers and getting more responses. Soon Jesus couldn't stand it anymore, his dick hard and big for Shrek. He removed his finger, to busy for lube he used his saliva to wet his cock, before lining it up with Shrek's entrance. He pushed in, gasping at Shrek's warmth and tightness, Shrek moaned loudly begging for more. "Please deeper!" cried Shrek, as Jesus pushed in farther. Jesus' big shaft reached deep into Shrek hitting all his sensitive spots. Jesus pulled back, before ramming back in, dick all the way into Shrek. Causing the other man to scream in pure ecstasy. Jesus pumped in and out of the man in front of him, each push causing a new, perfect sound to escape Shrek. His rod feeling heavenly sensations at every push. He went faster and faster, moaning obscenities, babbling praises of Shrek's body. Jesus became aware he wouldn't last must longer, looking at Shrek he could tell he felt the same. Jesus stroked Shrek's cock, and with a final push released his load into Shrek's used asshole. Both men panting and tired then collapsed into bed, Shrek wrapping his arms around Jesus, ready to sleep the night next to his lover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, um yeah, I would say I'm sorry, but I'm kinda not. This somehow took me months to write. Truth be told, I've been struggling with a lot of things(mental health, etc.) and this fic makes me feel so much better about a lot of stuff. so to everyone who's dropped a kudos, you mean the world to me. Oof, just got real for a second there, but, yeah, thanks for reading.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, I highly appreciate it. Drop a kudos if you want, frankly I won't blame you if you don't want to, as this is horrible. Chris if you read this story, I am so sorry, but you should have expected this.  
I will be writing more later, this is just the beginning.


End file.
